


Painted In Flames

by leeshur



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Universe, Characters will be added as they appear - Freeform, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2014-08-23
Packaged: 2018-02-13 12:24:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2150613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leeshur/pseuds/leeshur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Due to the circumstances of his joining the Survey Corps being outside the norm, Eren is understandably finding various things hard to handle. The embarrassingly huge crush he has on his superior officer is one of these things.</p><p>--</p><p>This is a fic where Eren is incredibly awkward. While his unwavering determination is bloody admirable, he's still a teenage boy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He doesn’t fit in.

The thought doesn’t come as much of a surprise given the circumstances, but it’s still unsettling. He’s been here for a few days now and still doesn’t really know anyone outside of their name, rank and kill/assist count.

Half-listening to Petra and Auruo squabble at each other from across the table, Eren focuses on finishing his lunch. He’s come to realise that their bickering is almost always over something petty and is pretty much a routine affair. Occasionally, they’ve become heated enough for him to think about intervening before anything escalates, but there’s an underlying fondness hidden behind the barbed words and raised voices that stops him. In a way, they strongly remind him of Sasha and Connie.

It suddenly occurs to him that he hasn’t seen either of them since Trost. He doesn’t even know if they’re still alive.

The thought makes him feel nauseous. He puts his sandwich down and closes his eyes.

“Eren, are you okay?”

Blinking, he looks up and tries to find his bearings. It hadn’t occurred to him that he’d been hunched over his plate until now. Glancing to his right, it’s clear that Petra and Auruo have stopped quarrelling for now because Petra’s looking at him, concern etched on her face. Auruo, on the other hand, looks rather miffed at the interruption and shoots Eren a caustic glare.

Shaking his head, he offers her a weak smile. “I’m just a little tired, don’t worry.” Wrapping his sandwich in a napkin, he eases himself off of the bench. “I think I’ll take a walk, maybe it’ll wake me up.”

“We’ve been assigned courtyard duty today. Don’t forget and-”

“- don’t be late. I won’t, don’t worry.” Eren finishes duly as Petra nods. He goes to pick up his plate but Petra slaps his hand away gently.

“I’ll take care of that. Go on.”

He smiles again in thanks and picks up his sandwich before making himself scarce. As he strides across the dinner hall towards the exit, he swears he can _feel_ the daggers Auruo’s shooting at his back. However, rather than looking back to confirm his suspicions, Auruo’s indignant outburst – “Why are _you_ cleaning up the brat’s mess?” – does it for him. He’s out of the door and down the corridor before Petra starts yelling back.

Now that he’s on his feet, he’s not really sure where they’re going to take him. For the past couple of days, he’s been excusing himself early from lunch and doing these little walkabouts around headquarters. Literally and figuratively, they’re a form of escape; a reprieve from the wary looks and hushed whispers that his presence elicits. They also grant him the small blessing of being able to gather his scattered thoughts in privacy or simply find a place to cry without fear of interruption.

He’s come to rely on these walks. Being under scrutiny all the time is really wearing at his already frayed nerves and he can’t afford to lose control in public, around strangers who wouldn’t – _couldn’t_ \- understand.

He really misses Armin and Mikasa.

His eyes are stinging now, and the blood in his brain is beating in tandem with the hard tap-tapping of his boots across the scrubbed stone floor. He hasn’t got a clue where he is and to be quite honest, he’s past caring. Instead, he pushes any lingering worries to the back of his mind for now, consequences be damned.

He’d been late two days ago after getting lost and he’d suffered for it. God, just _remembering_ the icy look Levi had given him when he’d sheepishly edged into the meeting room makes the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

\--

“You’re late, Jaeger.”

“I-I know sir, I’m sor-.”

Levi had cut him off, the impatient snap of his voice setting Eren on edge.

“You were told to be here after lunch. Lunch ended twenty minutes ago, everyone else managed to get here on time. Why are you late?”

Eren had hesitated. It was painfully obvious that everyone was looking at him – he’d heard people talking before he’d tried to slip into the room unnoticed, so the sudden silence was pretty jarring - and it made him feel uneasy. Hanging his head, he’d scuffed a boot nervously across the floor and hid his trembling hands in the crooks of his arms. Rather than meeting Levi’s eyes, he’d talked to the floor.

“I… got lost.”

Someone from across the room had snorted at that and Eren hadn’t had to think hard about who the culprit was.

Levi had just stared at him coldly, the frostiness of his grey eyes speaking far more than any verbal reprimand ever could. The silence of the room stretched itself out, taut, amidst the tense atmosphere. Everyone seemed to wait with bated breath for _something_ , something that Eren couldn't quite discern but could feel prickling unpleasantly at his skin like needles.

Whatever _it_ was didn't come.

“Don’t let it happen again.”

Had that really been it?

It must've been because Levi had started to make his way towards the door. With a casual glance thrown over his shoulder, he'd asked Petra to get Eren up to speed on everything his tardiness had led him to miss out on before leaving, taking any last remnants of the earlier tension out of the room with him.

Still, it was strange how those five words stung more than Eren would've ever anticipated. To some, relief at having gotten off lightly would've probably been the first emotion felt. If anything, it was the opposite for Eren, because in the minutiae of Levi's expression, submerged in the depths of those unfathomable grey eyes, he was sure he'd seen something akin to disappointment.

It was almost crippling.

However, he wasn't given time to brood because in the periphery of his vision, he could see Petra and the others - excluding Auruo, of course - ushering him over. Not wanting to seem like more of an idiot, he'd scurried over, ears tinged red with muted embarrassment, to join them.

\--

Snapping out of his daydream, Eren slowly comes to the realisation that he hadn't paused in his wandering while his mind was adrift because, from what he can tell, this particular part of the headquarters he's currently standing in isn't familiar to him at all. After the incident with Levi, Eren had promised himself he wouldn't be late again. So, he'd taken it upon himself to keep an eye out for memorable things, markers, that would make identifying his specific location easier, like the remarkably ugly tapestry he'd eyed on the second floor.

This place is new.

It looks particularly uninhabited. The corridor itself is eerily quiet and as the dappled afternoon light filters in through the stone window, Eren sees thousands of dust motes dance to and fro in the still air. Ancient cobwebs cling to every corner of the ceiling and there's a sharply damp stagnancy to the atmosphere that makes Eren's nose wrinkle.

 _If Levi stumbled upon this place, he'd probably freak out._ Eren thinks, smiling to himself. His captain's proclivity for cleanliness was made abundantly clear after the tribunal and even more so once the Corps had arrived at headquarters. The majority of their current duties were and still are focused around tidying up the place, after all.

Part of Eren wonders what an outsider might think of that. Most people didn't really see the Corps as normal, ordinary people behind the Wings. So, wouldn't it seem rather incongruous to imagine them, as titan-killers doing something as normal and mundane as cleaning?

It's almost laughable really.

Chuckling to himself, he rests his back against a wall and slides down to the floor. Pushing away the momentary blip of panic about potentially getting his uniform dirty to the back of his mind, he lets out a shuddery breath and tries to ease the tension that, like a snake, has coiled up in his bones and muscles.

He thinks about his (still alive, he refuses to dwell on the alternative) friends still waiting to be enlisted in whatever division they've decided to join. His mind fancifully dances around the idea of more than just Mikasa and Armin joining him here in the Corps before he shakes his head. He already feels guilty that the two of them are determined to follow him, potentially throwing their lives away because they don't want to leave him, because they're convinced that he needs them. Whether it's for support or to just keep him alive, he can't help the anger that suddenly flares up in his gut in response to that thought. He doesn't need to be coddled. He's not a child; he's a soldier.

Clenching his fists (and inadvertently squashing the sandwich he'd brought with him), Eren relents and finally lets himself cry.

Yes, he does need them and he hates himself for it. He hates how weak he feels in this fortress full of strangers silently judging him because of something he's still failing to wrap his mind around.

He can turn into a titan.

He doesn't know why, he doesn't know _how_. The frustration niggles at his thoughts so much that he wants to just scratch, scratch, scratch it right out of his brain.

It's irony at its finest and it makes him smile mirthlessly. He can become something that he wants to destroy, fucking wipe clean from the Earth.

He feels unclean, diseased - unworthy of being around normal people. The isolation is oppressive, a physical ache.

When Eren thinks about it, he realises that this place is nothing more than a glorified prison. Yes, he'd always aspired to join the Corps, and while he doesn't regret being enlisted, the series of events that led to his joining have definitely tainted things. He's a member of Levi's - his _idol's_ \- squad, something he still pinches himself over because it doesn't feel quite real yet. But he hasn't earned the right to be there through military aptitude, has he? No. He's there because they're the people who're best equipped to cut him down if he does go berserk.

It feels like wish fulfilment come-to-life, but it's twisted.

Unconsciously rubbing the back of his neck, he sighs and tilts his head back against the wall resignedly.

Of course he wishes things could have turned out differently but dwelling on idle fancies isn't going to do him any good in the long-run.

He feels better now. He knows that all of this internalisation can't be healthy and he doesn't doubt that he'll need another one of these walks soon, but for now, he's feeling less desperate than he was moments ago so he lets himself relax.

Suddenly ravenous, he unwraps his ruined sandwich from its napkin and takes a big bite out of it.

It tastes pretty good.

Munching quietly, he glances at his surroundings again and decides that despite the dirt, it's not so bad. It's quiet, unobtrusive and seemingly tucked away from the more busy parts of headquarters.

Finishing his sandwich, Eren licks his fingers before brushing away any remaining crumbs. He can't help but smile slightly as the sunlight shining through the window lands on him. The combination of its pleasant warmness and his now-full belly are intoxicatingly comforting and threaten to lull him to sleep.

Stretching his legs and sighing contentedly, he considers doing just that.

The resoundingly loud chimes of the Corps' striking clock indicating the end of lunch quickly kills that thought dead. Immediately jerking out of his lazy stupor, Eren begins to panic.

He's late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is incredibly angsty. I have no regrets. 
> 
> I think a newly-enlisted Eren would initially feel incredibly self-conscious about his situation. It also doesn't help that he's not joining the Corps at the same time as his friends, he's on his own. 
> 
> There will be more levity (probably at poor Eren's expense) soon though, that's a promise. 
> 
> Like 'The Dumping Ground', there's no set update schedule because I'm trash and still quite new to the whole writing-fanfic-instead-of-just-reading-it thing.


	2. Chapter 2

It's almost as if he's sprouted wings. The chimes of the striking clock are resounding death-knells in Eren's ears as he runs, possessed, through the suddenly labyrinthine corridors of the Survey Corps headquarters. He doesn't think, he scarcely even breathes. The chiming means that he's late and he _cannot_ be late.

He cannot.

Hurtling down stone steps, four at a time, he doesn't give himself the chance to think about slowing down, to think about being cautious. A simple stumble could lead to a broken neck, after all. Yes, his neck would probably heal and there'd be no lasting damage (assuming his healing abilities go to that extent) but that doesn't give him the freedom to be unnecessarily reckless.

Spotting the hideous tapestry, his brain idly reminds him that he must be on the second floor. He pushes away the bubbling sense of panic in his gut that screeches the fact that he's _still got two floors to go_ and skitters across the cobbled floor, down the next corridor.

His brain is so focused on the concerted task of keeping his legs moving and his riotous mind and churning gut calm that he somehow misses the arm shooting out of the doorway he's just passed. He distantly feels a hand find purchase on his jacketed arm and yelps in pain as it's suddenly wrenched backwards and makes him stumble before he is steadied by another hand at his back.

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he's impressed - the sheer strength needed to counter-balance the force of his panic-induced impetus had to be considerable. He's so caught up in his thoughts that bless him, he doesn't even think it prudent to wonder _who_ is currently holding onto him.

Fortunately, they make the job easy for him.

"Eren! I've been looking for you everywhere!" the voice proclaims, sounding breathless and lilted with undisguised excitement.

It suddenly clicks.

There is only one person here that talks to Eren with that level of enthusiasm. The adrenaline pulsing through his bloodstream and the niggling pain in his arm may be muddling his thoughts but he's not a complete idiot.

"Squad Leader Hanji." he gasps, half wondering how he's going to escape her _this_ time. While he appreciates her lack of disdain and fear for him, god knows he's had enough of that to last him a life-time, she's been relentless in her pursuit to spirit him away to her lab to poke and prod and do goodness knows what else to him.

Obviously, this is something Eren has tried to stymie (or at the very least, delay) with all the ardour and zeal of someone desperately trying their utmost best to avoid being devoured by a titan.

It's worked well for him so far.

"The one and the same." she chuckles, letting go of him now that she's certain he won't take a tumble. While her hands do fall to her sides, Eren can't help but notice their restless clenching and unclenching. He attempts to swallow down a lump in his throat.

"You've been avoiding me." she states, tone surprisingly lacking in offense, as she stares him down. Her intense, bespectacled eyes meet his uncertain green-blue ones.

He shifts about on the spot, deliberating over how to answer her without answering her at all. He hasn't forgotten that he's still _late_ and Levi is probably baying for his blood right now. If anything, it makes the situation worse, makes it harder for him to _breathe_.

"I-..." he starts, blinking rapidly. "I-... Squad Leader Hanji, I'm..."

He fists his hands and digs his nails into his palms, he wants to steel himself and answer the damn woman but it's fucking hard when his heart is beating so damn fast that he feels faint and his tongue has suddenly decided to take up contortionism as a hobby.

Hanji arches a brow curiously. She seems to pick up on his anxiety and after shooting him a small smile, shakes her head.

"Never mind. You're obviously on edge right now so the interrogation can wait." she half-jokes, patting his back lightly. Embarrassed, Eren ducks his head.

She pauses momentarily before bending down slightly to meet his gaze again.

"I hope you'll oblige me another question, however..."

Holding his breath, Eren waits.

"Why were you in such a rush?" she continues, head tilting to the left slightly.

Releasing another shaky breath, Eren relaxes his fisted digits and bracingly nods to himself. He can do this. Hell, maybe Hanji can help him out.

"I'm late for court-yard duty." he concedes, trembling slightly.

"Oh! So not only are you a brave soldier, you're a conscientious one too!" she laughs, slapping him on the back merrily. Eren's face flushes crimson at the compliments. He's not used to praise. In fact, he's half-ready to protest. Surely his tardiness meant that he wasn't the latter? He pushes that thought to the side for now and tries to enjoy the commendation while he can; he'll be chastised enough by Levi after all.

The thought of his captain and the impending disappointment or rage Eren will have to face reignites his panic. Hanji must have noticed because her brows furrow slightly before her glasses flash in understanding. The kind of understanding that meant she knew what it was like to be the subject of Levi's ire and what that _means_.

"Ah, it may be best for you to run along then, Eren." she mutters sheepishly, biting her chapped bottom lip.

Eren doesn't have to be told twice. Like the wind, he's already sprinting down the hall - curiously tracking dusty footprints in his wake. Watching him depart, Hanji leans against the doorframe and shakes her head pityingly.

\--

By the time Eren bursts through the courtyard doors, breathless and perspiring, he's unsurprised to see his fellow squad-mates already hard at work. Petra and Auruo are sweeping the floor, occasionally whacking at each other's ankles with their brooms. Laughing at the display, Erd and Gunther are at the windows, wiping the dust and grime away with sopping rags. They all turn to look at Eren as he makes his dramatic entrance.

His eyes sweep across the scene worriedly. There's no sign of Levi.

Relief washes over him for a moment. He's safe for now.

Unless Levi's looking for him.

Then he'll _definitely_ be pissed that Eren was late and on top of that, made him fruitlessly search the castle in order to track him down.

Internally, Eren curses his brain for being a cruel bastard and shooting all these conflicting feelings and thoughts at him when he's barely holding onto his composure by a thread. A thin one at that.

Petra shoots Eren a wounded look that stabs at his gut and he's instantly reminded of their brief conversation at lunch. He's let her down, he'll have to apologise later.

"What did I tell you, Petra? Give the brat an inch and he'll take a mile!" calls the smugly satisfied voice of Auruo.

Hunched over slightly in shame, Eren grabs a lone broom that's been propped against the wall and starts sweeping.

Eren can't help but notice that Levi doesn't make an appearance for the rest of the hour.

He doesn't realise he's been sweeping the same spot over and over again for the past hour.

\--

He's made aware of Levi's arrival when the courtyard door is kicked open. Startled, the rest of the squad quickly stand to attention and shout their greetings. Eren clumsily hastens to do the same and his now abandoned broom falls to the ground with a deafeningly loud clatter.

Levi's eyes are on him.

They're on him and no one else.

His heart skips and then beats doubly fast as if to compensate for its mistake.

He can't reconcile why he's torn between feeling terrified and excited at the same time.

Unruffled, Levi smoothly moves his gaze away from Eren to survey the state of the courtyard and disappointment and shame claws at Eren's gut.

Seemingly satisfied with their efforts, Levi dismisses his squad. Surprised, Eren can't help but wonder if he's being let off again - Auruo seems to be wondering the same thing, if the scandalised expression plastered on his prematurely aged face is anything to go by - as he begins to slope after the others.

A sharp voice, lacking in inflection, stops him in his tracks.

"Jaeger, wait."

Pleased at the turn of events, Auruo shoots Eren a gleefully malicious smile before hastening to catch up to Petra who's already made her way inside.

Eren bites at the side of his cheek once he sees Levi making his way towards him, stopping a few paces in front of him.

As always, he looks impeccable and Eren can't help but feel grubby in comparison. He self-consciously dusts at himself quickly.

"Care to explain why you were late again?" he asks as he meets Eren's gaze, almost daring him to look away.

Once again finding himself tongue-tied, Eren mentally dances around what excuses, machinations, _lies_ he could possibly come up with to appease this terrifyingly imposing man. Instead, the fact that Levi has a surprisingly familiar habit of standing a good distance away from people pervades his panicky mind. He wonders why Levi does this and why he's thinking of this right now.

Does Levi do it to compensate for his small stature? It does mean he doesn't have to crane his neck to look up at people when he's speaking to them, after all. Or is it his subtle way of avoiding close physical contact? Eren's never seen Levi touch anyone else and his aversion towards filth is legendary. It makes sense. In fact, it could be a combination of both.

Snapping fingers abruptly bring Eren out of his reverie. He sets his unfocused eyes back on his waiting captain's. Levi still looks disinterested but there's a subtle annoyance visible behind his grey eyes now. It springs Eren's mouth into action.

"I got lost, sir." he says tremulously, twisting his fingers behind his back.

"Again." Levi states. It's not a question he's asking, Eren realises. He nods anyway.

"Petra told me you disappeared before lunch ended. She told me you do this quite often, actually. Mind elaborating?"

Sucking in an unsteady breath, Eren finds himself at a loss. He hadn't expected this.

Rather than wasting more time coming up with a half-baked lie, he opts to tell the truth.

 _I'm already dead meat, after all._ He reasons, with a small nod to himself.

"I... sometimes I go on walks, sir. Around headquarters. I've been finding things..." he pauses, quickly ruminates over his next words, " _difficult_ , no, hard to handle lately. The walks... help me to collect my thoughts."

For a moment, Eren thinks he sees Levi's eyes soften slightly. He quickly shoos that delusion away before continuing with his explanation.

"I don't really think about where I'm going and sometimes I don't know where I end up. That's what happened the last time I was late and today. I'm terribly sorry, sir." he finishes, willing himself not to blush in embarrassment or start shaking. He can feels beads of perspiration forming on his forehead.

He resists the urge to wipe them away.

There's a pause and it seems to stretch out for eternity before Levi breaks it.

"Jaeger, we _do_ have counsellors on hand if you need to speak to someone. I'm sure it's no real surprise to you that they're pretty much necessary for those of us in this line of work." he says quietly, so quietly that Eren finds himself leaning slightly forward in order to catch the words before they slip away.

Eren hadn't expected this either. He feels surprisingly touched and his traitorous eyes begin to sting a little. He can't help the watery smile he shoots Levi's way. It isn't returned, of course.

"Thank you, sir." he replies simply.

He's not ready to talk to anyone about his worries, he knows this. Even admitting that little kernel of truth to Levi had been difficult. He doesn't really trust anyone to give him the advice he's looking for because he himself doesn't even know what it is. What he does know, however, is that he doesn't want to have useless, inapplicable platitudes bleated at him. Saying his situation is unique would be putting it mildly so he can't imagine anyone having any worthwhile advice for him.

Levi, unaware of Eren's thoughts, seems to take his message of thanks at face value because he nods once before clearing his throat.

"While I can understand why you were late - and that will definitely be taken into consideration - I'm afraid you're still going to have to face some form of punishment." He states baldly, his expression unreadable.

Eren understands. To the others, his seemingly frequent lack of regard for the rules would be regarded as insubordination and Levi has to nip that in the bud. He can't allow people to think that Eren is being given preferential treatment.

Eren doesn't really mind.

He knows Levi won't hurt him like he had to at the trial. He finds himself remembering Levi's words after the tribunal, remembering the unspoken apology that had been buried beneath the detached nonchalance of his words.

_"Eren, do you resent me?"_

_"No, sir. I understand why it was necessary."_

_"I'm glad."_

Levi's a good man. Even though Eren's only been here a few days, only spoken to and interacted with him a handful of times, he knows that it's true.

He'd bet his life on it.

"Let's go."

Eren follows, half-wondering what Levi has in store for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like writing when I'm sleep deprived and still recovering from fanfic-induced emotional whiplash.
> 
> Thank you all for taking the time to read what I've written so far. The comments, kudos and bookmarks also made my day.


End file.
